Retail and SADness

Upon reflection, this may be my most miserable Christmas season I've ever experienced. I have basically diagnosed myself with seasonal affective disorder, and it has become much more apparent through working in retail. This has been my first experience ever working in retail and first season is the busy, holiday season. I have worked a many terrible jobs including the disgusting pizza handling, degrading singing to scoop ice cream, working with the sickly, germy, high risk children, etc. I know about sucky jobs, but this has to be the worst. It is the worst in combination of the season. I literally have not had a day off since before Thanksgiving. My first day off will be Christmas day.

1. Constantly disoriented. You have no idea what time it is or even what day it is. There are no windows in mall stores and its very unlikely that you'd get anytime to look or even be able see the sun. You are running around in closed, dusty places under florescent lights and most likely in an uncomfortable "stylish" outfit.

2. Loneliness. It becomes much more apparent during this season for many reasons. You are required to smile and have superficial conversations with your customers. You are trying to convince people to buy relatively useless stuff for their loved ones, families, friends, significant others. But people are buying tons and tons of stuff, dropping hundred of dollars. There you are working at minimum wage and unable to even afford the stuff in the store that you work at. When you finally get to spend time with your family and friends, the season requires that you miss the most intimate of holiday moments, but working late hours or cutting your time short by making you work early.There is nothing genuine about who you are in this environment. Even if you aren't interacting with customers you are folding and cleaning for hours on end which is relatively useless because customers will ruin it the second you finish. When you finally get off work at your obscenely late hours, there's no one to talk to because most people are sleeping.

Maybe I need to learn how to deal with this, but I feel that I am a person driven by sincerity and human interactions that its hard to pretend to be something that I'm not.

Best of 2010

Records of 2010

1. Local Natives - Gorilla Manor

The boy band of my dreams. Gorgeous, beautiful harmonies, catchy percussion. I saw this band 3 times in 3 different cities in 2009-2010. SO slightly obsessed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn8xjONVOUg

2. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Before Today

This album took over my life since it came out. It's a mainstream version of the usual lo-fi Ariel Pink. I can stand the muffled sounds of lo-fi for so much. Such an amazing record.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMNPWT6WDJQ

3. LCD Soundsystem - This Is Happening

When I heard this album was streaming on their website. I literally did not stop listening to it straight through for a week. I was actually angry that I had to participate in normal daily activities that would not allow me to listen to the stream. The album could be number 1 based solely on the track Dance Yrslf Clean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoA0cTC228M

4. The Roots - How I Got Over

Uplifting and honest. These guys define hip hop and set the bar for any lyricist and musician. Refreshing to hear an album that discusses real issues opposed to money, drugs and hoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Qr5oKKP-M

5. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

I don't know how they were able to accurately portray my middle American suburban life so well. An album that plays on themes of modern architecture, and simple life. I could only hope that such a great band could orchestrate such sad situation into magnificent music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYdJAi-BBrs

6. Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz

The best transition that Sufie could take. A combination of his older works and most recent work. He utilizes both electronic and traditional sounds. Beautiful lyrics on loneliness and hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So03KFCbc1E

7. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Most anticipated album of 2010. Absolutely great marketing accompanied with great music. Refreshing and his best work since The College Dropout. One cannot deny that this man is one of the greatest producers of our generation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D55rDDvu3n4

8. Big Boi - Sir Lucious Lovefoot The Son of Chico Dusty

He's still got it and may be one of my ultimate favorite rappers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWsvkW6rKkQ

9. Crystal Castles - S/T

Great synths, samples and shows that they can make music beyond their crazy club jamz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjMt0bMVljI

10. Best Coast - Crazy For You

Simple, catchy music. The album takes 15 minutes to get through! Cute and fun, exactly how a girl would want to tell her boyfriend that she misses him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AaAvVcPWhc&feature=related

11. Yeasayer - Odd Blood

12. Crystal Fighters - Star of Love

13. The Thermals - Personal Life

14. M.I.A. - Maya

15. Waaves - King of the Beach

16. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

17. Teenage Fanclub - Shadows

18. Robyn - Body Talk pt. 1

19. Maps & Atlases - Perch Patchwork

20. The Black Keys - Brothers

21. Two Door Cinema Club - Tourist History

Singles (not ranked)

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrslf Clean

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair

Drake - Find Your Love

Best Coast - Boyfriend

Usher - OMG

Panda Bear - Slow Motion

Cee-lo Green - Fuck You

Kanye West - Devil in a New Dress

Ariel Pink - Round & Round

Maps & Atlases - Living Decorations

Robyn - Dancing on My Own

Big Boi - Shine Blockas

The Black Keeys - Ever Lasting Light

Ke$ha - We R Who We R

Rihanna - What's My Name

Taio Cruz - Dynamite

La Roux - Bulletproof

Boy & Bear - Mexican Mavis

Kisses - Bermuda

On Feminity and Feminism

I would say that I am not a Feminist. Of course, many feminist would argue that impossibility and that I was essentially born in to it. So let's keep it simple and nontechnical.

This is more of a manner regarding my traditional Grandma and Great Aunt being in town for the past 3 months. They are from Laos, old, and have been and still live life quite traditionally. As a woman, I'm expected to cook meals, wash dishes, clean the house, not go out, not laugh loudly, etc. General stuff really. When they first arrived, I didn't want to be disrespectful so I obliged to these traditional roles. I would come home fix them lunch, wash all the dishes and sit around with them. It was fine and awesome, I got to hang out with them. Now, I'm absolutely frustrated being trapped in this idealistic female role that I have never identified with. I feel like I'll do things because I want to, not because I should and because I'm a woman. Most recently my mother has grounded me to the house because it reflect poorly on my character. Leaving at night is not something a lady should do and it worried my grandma. Of course, my brothers do not have any of these limitations. Have no obligations or duties to fulfill or have any curfew to pertain too. I'm obviously already a too fat spinster out of control American so there is no hope for me. I don't know. I've just been extremely frustrated and tired trying to be respectful, but keeping to who I am.

Thoughts/1

(Soundtrack: Grizzly Bear -Yellow House)

A weekend of solemnity and reconsideration.

It's hard to define happiness. In my pursuit and current aspects of it, I am technically happy. I see my family everyday including my Grandma, I have a bed to sleep in a heated home, well fed, great friends to interact with, and a part time job that I absolutely love. So these things should make me happy because I'm grateful for everyday that I have on this earth with these people. So upon taking the Graduate Record Examination and my terrible score on it, there were things that I had to reconsider. Were the tears I shed truly necessary? Was the platitude of "things happen for a reason?" a legitimate excuse for why I performed so poorly? I cried and I cried believe that I would never get into any graduate school. Learning that the flaws in the system that I was trying to correct actually made it so that people like me who it failed could ever get through. A vicious and corrupt cycle. Of course, when I arrived home. I was complete defeated and miserable. When asked to wash the dishes, I refused and said that my brother should do it. He had been at the home all day. My aunt quickly responded that I should have done it because I was a girl. This further infuriated me and I stomped up to my room to disappoint my traditional grandma. Yes, I am that no mannered American girl that will never get married because I show no grace or poise that a traditional Laotian girl should have. Alas, I got over it fairly quickly and went to go spend time with my family and friends, who came over. Embarrassingly, my mother had the audacity to ask me if my grandma could take photos with my "farang" (foreign) friends. I thought it was hilarious and asked my friends for this favor. They also thought it was funny and towered over my grandmas as we stood in the dining room taking photos. Then we played with my baby cousin for a bit as well as a round of scrabble. We also spent a long time measuring our boobs because we figured our boobs probably morphed the last time that we were measured. Did you know that it is almost impossible to find an accurate boob measurement online? Our boob sizes varied from 38AA to 42H which are mostly nonexistent bra sizes. We vowed to get our boobs measured the next day.

So I went to bed in a fairly hopeless yet gratified state. I awoke mid through a dream because Sunday is actually my only day that I get to sleep in and not wake up at 6am which is really nice. So I woke up around 9 and played around with my music editing tools. Fun, but I didn't really get far. My friend called me numerous times to discuss her illness to which I have no diagnosis whatsoever for, but consolation. While talking to her on the phone, I received message from my other friend that a friend from college was taken off of life support and had indeed died. He was only 25 years old and suffered from a progressive form of pancreatic, stomach cancer, or I'm not really too sure about. Upsetting news to hear of such a young life with such a bright future ahead of him be taken away so early. With this on my mind, I continued on to meet with my high school friends at the mall which oddly felt like we were in 2005 again. So now I'm sitting here thinking about the past and the future. What's right for me? As shown today, I learned that life is short and who really knows when your opportunity will be up? What will have shown for myself? So I gotta wipe my defeated and self-loathing feeling and renew the vitality that I have for life and humanity. I've always wanted to study abroad, but the fear of living out on my own in another county often prevented me from pursuing such a thing. Currently, it's not having money and student loan debt. I was too lazy to finish my peace corps application, but I'm finally getting the enthusiasm to pursue teaching jobs abroad. So here I go adding a teach abroad app with my 7 other grad school apps. Can't be sitting and waiting for experiences to come to me. I gotta find them. So Korea, I may or may not see you in a couple of months. I'm young and life is short. I have to make the most of what I'm given.

Prayers and Love.

An entry from my journal from a year ago exactly

08/30/09

I remember the way that I used to be and it kind of always blows my mind, upon reflection. I felt that i was so young, naive, and unstable. But it also wasn't even that long time ago. I didn't even have any self confidence whatsoever until this year. I finally feel comfortable with myself and do not seek to fit the ideals of convention and society because those things are not the things that rule my life and make me feel important.

I really try to attribute my sudden change to relationships and interactions with other people. If these people did not tell me of the things and way that I have acted around them, I would never have known all the imperfections that I have held. I feel that I have always been honest and open to experience, but this was with the guidelines that set by society standards which unknowingly to me at the point did not work. It really limit the way I could experience things because I was searching for a label, a certain way to perceive things.

I had unknowingly become idealistic, a romantic on how the way things should be and how people should perceive me. I became consumed by the idea that people would see me one way or think of me another way. I was too proud over the idea of my image. I created a fascade that I was mentally stable and was able to judge and rule over people I knew nothing about. Obviously, I have not reached perfection, nor will I ever or anyone will ever. The fact that I have finally become comfortable with myself as a person finally allows me to utilize my talents and skills to help others.

Essentially I wanted to get at that these interactions that I've had with people have changed my life. Without their support and strongwill they have demonstrated for me I wouldn't be where I'm at now. I used to believe that I was so independent and when I asked for help, it would make me dependent on them. It was a terrible mindset to have. I realized that in order to be independent you would have to ask for help others because no one is all knowing.

I wish other people would take the time to understand and learn the convention they have created and the hassles they caused in their life because of it. I have grown to understand that as long as their is an understanding, mutual respect, and trust then there is no need to create any other label. Happiness is key and why ruin a good relationship trying to mold/ create something that does not exist. As long as two people understand what they have with each other then why is it necessary to intrude on their happiness and try to pull it into societal conventions. It is merely a label. I know my role and how I feel and that is all should matter. As long as I know the truth, and receive respect- there will always be an understanding between any two persons.

Nannying

Today was my last day of nannying. Thank God. It was exhausting. It wasn't a bad gig and I would gladly do it again. Getting paid $10 to sit around and do nothing. I worked 3 days and got paid from $230-$300 depending on the hours so it wasn't bad. There were a few things that I got accomplished while nannying

-read the first half of 3 different books
-improved my pool playing skills
-improved my baseball playing skills
-improved my tan
-went to Grant's Farm for the first time
-went Glow Putting for the first time
-went to the Nascar Park
-learned about West County


It was an interesting experience.

Memories Time Vault

Coming back home is essentially coming back to a time capsule. You can find everything from the past. It's absolutely absurd how your tiny room can encompass your entire life. I went through my yearbook and saw my face littered through the pages. Who decided to put my face in the yearbook that many times? Well while looking for my tarot cards I found my diary that I wrote in from 6th grade to 10th grade. That's a long ass time to write in a diary. The journal isn't even that big, but while going through my angsty entries I found a many sonnets, raps, and poem that I wrote. To say the least they are absolute jemz and I believe it is my duty to share them with the world. Also to put out their that I am available to become a rapper and do appearances and what not. God I am so awful.

"My Song" by Sanita version 08/31/01

Yo! I'm Sanita and I rule this world
step in the place and they say who's that girl
on my report card only A's and B's
I'm Laos so I'm from across the seas
Don't hate because there's a mac in me
Every girl every boy says hi to me
Every trick wish they could rhyme like me
Every guy wish they could get with me
Like P. Diddy I be making my money
Playa wannebes say" whassup my honey?"
I say what the hell you just say to me
foo you must not know who Sanita be!

All in all - the song is absolutely vain and unrealistic. I had no job to "be making my money." I wasn't at all popular enough to have everyone say hi to me. Though my report card that is a true statement, but odd one to have in a rap song. Also I incorrectly used Laos, it should be that "I'm Laotian", but I was young and naive. I'll forgive my 12 year old self.

Between then and 6/28/03 I decided to re-edit "My Song" and this was the product

It's the S-A-N-I-T-A
Sanita's the name and freestylin's the game
yo my rhymes are insane
put a paper to the mic and it'll burst into flames
I'm A-Z-N repping L-A-O
Playa hatas wanna call me a hoe
don't ya'll knoe I'm jus a F.O.B.
Game so tight gotta say oo wee
Fresh off the boat oh please no
Fione Oriental Bitch, you gotta know
I'm the saweetast
with the so sweet ass
but don't think I'm fast
unless you see me in my car
because I'mma be a star
and I ain't gonna let no one pull me down
and I know Ima always be around
because anything you say or do i can do betta
it's the way I move, talk, walk, whatever
don't say you can rhyme
when you can't even speak
you think you got many dimes
when you get money from your mom every week
you think you ballin with your rented ice
bouncin in the club think you look nice
even though ur ride barely got you there
and what is dat your wearing, salvation army wear?

Once again, terrible terrible mindset for a 13 year old? to have? My God. This is probably why you should not let your children listen to rap. It rots the brain into thinking that the world is diamonds and hoes! Also note I love the salvation army or I shop there very often now. I left the misspellings to accurately show how thug I was in my vernacular. Absolutely terrible.

A Wolf in Sheep's Skin or a Pig in Sheeps Skin?

hoof hoof woof woof

i am seeing the band that i last wrote about today

it's quite chilly outside

it's 10:01pm

i didn't know there was such a thing as hipster poetry, but i can haz it

i should probably watch my finances...story of my life

i erased my facebook today

i'm a self involved cat nap

i will set your babies on fire and throw them at you

i'll tear out your eyebrows and make you cry

i'll spit on the spot where the rain failed to get you wet

i have a feeling that any energy that increase metabolism probably is bad for me

"ever since then my heart hasn't been the same"

what is that you say?

what say you.

Review of Yeasayer - Odd Blood

I have been listening to "Ambling Alp" probably for the past 2 weeks on repeat. But I haven't had the time to actually pick up the album. So I finally got the album and I simply had no idea what to expect. Yeasayer's All Hours Cymbal was an major part of my life as a sophomore (2007-2008) in college. It represented all the things that I loved at the time which was mostly music and partying. It beautiful and crazy which represented the chaos that was my life at the time. It was pure fun and yet at the same time a certain sadness which can be heard through out the lyrics of that album. So with that in mind, I didn't know what current Yeasayer would mean to me in this present time of my life. Would it still be the craziness that I knew it as 2 years ago? Would I be utterly disappointed that the music lacked the nostalgia it held for me so long ago or would I be disappointed in the lack of development the musicians have?

So I put on Odd Blood before I got ready for whatever I had to do that morning. The album started with "Ambling Alp" which I thought could not get any better than that song. As I continued to listen to the album, I noticed that their music was a lot more "chill" or "calmer." The tribal driven beats were not as prominent although the bass drum seems to be more thought out in placement than usual. The electronic synths were the focus of their songs as well as the lyrics. Before, lyrics seems to be part of the music sound and usually incomprehensible. The lyrics of this album are more reflective and discuss the issues of growing older and apart. So like Yeasayer, I seem to have grown up with them. The sounds of their music seem now to morph into something like Hot Chip and Peter, Bjorn and John which is great because I love both of
those bands.

Everything seems to sound like a cirque du soleil soundtrack on this album.

Madder Red - Chinese Acrobat Theme Song
O.N.E - Knifeish


So I mean to say that my love for Yeasayer is a personal matter and that what you take from it may be completely different from mine. If you were searching to hear music that Yeasayer "used" to make than this album may not for you. There is no doubt that they are great musicians and you should enjoy their music for what you can and not necessarily what they mean to others, but yourself.

Triumph

"Now, the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their complement of highs
And if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you
Raise your head and wear your wounds with pride"

- Yeasayer "Ambling Alp"

To go away and not look back and think of what the others say
To go ahead and change your life without regard to what is said
And everyone must do the same
you find yourself lost again
forget the things you've left behind
through looking back you may go blind

- Atlas Sound feat. Noah Lennox "Walkabout"

Robot/ Bug Dreams.

I had a dream that the world was taken over by robots and bugs. I was hanging off a cliff trying to reach the top because the skyscrapers had become so big that you could never see the sun. So I was trying to see the sun by climbing the cliff. I was hanging on the cliff for dear life and was about to fall until I was saved by a flying roomba and it took me to a bug basketball game. Since I was actually allowed in this robot/ bug world, I had to hide under the bleachers. The game was disgusting. So I was able to escape the game without being noticed and found my friend Elizabeth. She had to buy a new dress so we jumped in to her red car and went to Walmart. Since we weren't allowed to exist, Wal-mart was really dark and everyone was really quiet. So there were a couple of other humans shopping in the dark Walmart as Elizabeth and I looked for a dress for her. I was really scared because I thought the bugs would find us out and I kept looking to the car to run away.

This is where I woke up.

Resolutions/ Goals of 2010

Ten Goals for 2010

1. Wear all of my dresses that I have no yet worn by May.
2. Lose 10 lbs (via running 3 days a week)
3. Eat healthier (one fresh fruit and veggie a day)
4. Get out of America
5. Read at least one book a month for leisure
6. Give up pop (SERIOUSLY)
7. Read the news more often
8. Learn how to cook or bake from scratch
9. Do yoga at least once a week
10. Work on personality (see below)

Personality Goals
1. Be less stubborn
2. Be less proud
3. Be more confidant
4. Stop over analyzing things
5. Let things go/ don't dwell

Top Albums of 2009

1. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavillion
2. Kid Cudi - Man on the Moon: The End of the Day
3. Local Natives - Gorilla Manor
4. Grizzly Bear - Veckatimist
5. Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca
6. St. Vincent - Actor
7. N.A.S.A. - The Spirit of Apollo
8. Matt & Kim - Grand
9. Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster (Deluxe)
10. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Honorable Mentions:
Antony and the Johnsons - The Crying Light
Peter, Bjorn, & John - Living Thing
Beirut - The March of the Zapotec/ Real People Holland
Anjulie - Anjulie