Spirituality

I don't know how this blog became about my spirituality so quickly because I guess I've become more apt to complain about my spiritual turmoil a lot these days. I am in two classes this semester which I find really hard to study. It's my Interprofessional Ethics and Christian Beliefs class. These classes aren't that hard to pass and I can do the work for them, but its the thoughts that they cause me to think. These classes are meant to teach you things that can't possibly give you the right answer. How are you supposed to know how I am going to react in an ethical problem. It's obviously my choice and you can give me a lecture on what you would do and what people would see is the best, but would that make me happy. These are battles that I have to fight within myself. I hate that my interprofessional class is taught in such a socialistic point of view. Granted that I support a universal health care plan, but you can't only teach me only one point of view. There is always another argument and I am not completely getting choices. I always have to see my choices before I make a decision. It just puts my brain and soul in constant turmoil.

I am finding especially hard in my theology class this semester. It's just really hard because I consider myself a Buddhist and then I read these text about how I am lost and I need to find the path to God. I never want to say that I have doubted myself as a Buddhist, but I know that would be a lie if I said I didn't. This summer I went through a lot of spiritual self discovery. I have this necklace that I wear of this lucky lady Buddha thing which is really hard to describe, but it's some thing that I just wear just because. At the beginning of the summer my necklace started giving me a rash and I had to stop wearing it. That was strange because I have been wearing that necklace for years and I never had a problem with it. But all of a sudden I had to live without it. But it was good because I was able to live my summer without my Buddhist attachment. When I came back to school I kind of felt empty and decided to risk the rash and put it back on. Sure enough nothing happened and I am back to wearing it everyday. So one day I took off the necklace to put on a different one for fashion purposes and my life felt like it was falling apart. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong and I was in turmoil. I knew that something wasn't right and I came home and put back on my necklace and the next day I felt at ease again. So I know that I always will be a Buddhist, but its hard when I read these Christian texts telling me that I have not found the truth and reason. That my belief is leading me in the wrong direction. As a Buddhist, I would never try to convert anyone. What you believe is what you believe and I am not going to judge for it. If it makes you happy and gives you peace than please continue to believe it. It's not my job and right to tell you that you will suffer in your afterlife because for all I know is that you might not. This is just been my hardest class spiritually because I know that SLU does this to cause this spiritual battle. This class isn't a class with answers or facts. It's what people have grown with, it's like an oral tradition. I just don't know how I can try to work so hard to pass a class that cause so much spiritual turmoil in me. Why? I know that our school wants well rounded person, but this is a bit much. It's taking me 3 hours to complete one assignment for my 3 credit hour class. So I think its hard spending 9 hours on something that I don't exactly believe in. It's really hard. SO hard that I had to take a break from my homework to write this spiel about how in turmoil I am. I guess really it's just a sign to show me that I am on the right path? Well I just hope I find it soon and it appears quite simply. This journey is getting a little bit too rough for my taste.