A weekend of solemnity and reconsideration.
It's hard to define happiness. In my pursuit and current aspects of it, I am technically happy. I see my family everyday including my Grandma, I have a bed to sleep in a heated home, well fed, great friends to interact with, and a part time job that I absolutely love. So these things should make me happy because I'm grateful for everyday that I have on this earth with these people. So upon taking the Graduate Record Examination and my terrible score on it, there were things that I had to reconsider. Were the tears I shed truly necessary? Was the platitude of "things happen for a reason?" a legitimate excuse for why I performed so poorly? I cried and I cried believe that I would never get into any graduate school. Learning that the flaws in the system that I was trying to correct actually made it so that people like me who it failed could ever get through. A vicious and corrupt cycle. Of course, when I arrived home. I was complete defeated and miserable. When asked to wash the dishes, I refused and said that my brother should do it. He had been at the home all day. My aunt quickly responded that I should have done it because I was a girl. This further infuriated me and I stomped up to my room to disappoint my traditional grandma. Yes, I am that no mannered American girl that will never get married because I show no grace or poise that a traditional Laotian girl should have. Alas, I got over it fairly quickly and went to go spend time with my family and friends, who came over. Embarrassingly, my mother had the audacity to ask me if my grandma could take photos with my "farang" (foreign) friends. I thought it was hilarious and asked my friends for this favor. They also thought it was funny and towered over my grandmas as we stood in the dining room taking photos. Then we played with my baby cousin for a bit as well as a round of scrabble. We also spent a long time measuring our boobs because we figured our boobs probably morphed the last time that we were measured. Did you know that it is almost impossible to find an accurate boob measurement online? Our boob sizes varied from 38AA to 42H which are mostly nonexistent bra sizes. We vowed to get our boobs measured the next day.
So I went to bed in a fairly hopeless yet gratified state. I awoke mid through a dream because Sunday is actually my only day that I get to sleep in and not wake up at 6am which is really nice. So I woke up around 9 and played around with my music editing tools. Fun, but I didn't really get far. My friend called me numerous times to discuss her illness to which I have no diagnosis whatsoever for, but consolation. While talking to her on the phone, I received message from my other friend that a friend from college was taken off of life support and had indeed died. He was only 25 years old and suffered from a progressive form of pancreatic, stomach cancer, or I'm not really too sure about. Upsetting news to hear of such a young life with such a bright future ahead of him be taken away so early. With this on my mind, I continued on to meet with my high school friends at the mall which oddly felt like we were in 2005 again. So now I'm sitting here thinking about the past and the future. What's right for me? As shown today, I learned that life is short and who really knows when your opportunity will be up? What will have shown for myself? So I gotta wipe my defeated and self-loathing feeling and renew the vitality that I have for life and humanity. I've always wanted to study abroad, but the fear of living out on my own in another county often prevented me from pursuing such a thing. Currently, it's not having money and student loan debt. I was too lazy to finish my peace corps application, but I'm finally getting the enthusiasm to pursue teaching jobs abroad. So here I go adding a teach abroad app with my 7 other grad school apps. Can't be sitting and waiting for experiences to come to me. I gotta find them. So Korea, I may or may not see you in a couple of months. I'm young and life is short. I have to make the most of what I'm given.
Prayers and Love.
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