Thoughts/1

(Soundtrack: Grizzly Bear -Yellow House)

A weekend of solemnity and reconsideration.

It's hard to define happiness. In my pursuit and current aspects of it, I am technically happy. I see my family everyday including my Grandma, I have a bed to sleep in a heated home, well fed, great friends to interact with, and a part time job that I absolutely love. So these things should make me happy because I'm grateful for everyday that I have on this earth with these people. So upon taking the Graduate Record Examination and my terrible score on it, there were things that I had to reconsider. Were the tears I shed truly necessary? Was the platitude of "things happen for a reason?" a legitimate excuse for why I performed so poorly? I cried and I cried believe that I would never get into any graduate school. Learning that the flaws in the system that I was trying to correct actually made it so that people like me who it failed could ever get through. A vicious and corrupt cycle. Of course, when I arrived home. I was complete defeated and miserable. When asked to wash the dishes, I refused and said that my brother should do it. He had been at the home all day. My aunt quickly responded that I should have done it because I was a girl. This further infuriated me and I stomped up to my room to disappoint my traditional grandma. Yes, I am that no mannered American girl that will never get married because I show no grace or poise that a traditional Laotian girl should have. Alas, I got over it fairly quickly and went to go spend time with my family and friends, who came over. Embarrassingly, my mother had the audacity to ask me if my grandma could take photos with my "farang" (foreign) friends. I thought it was hilarious and asked my friends for this favor. They also thought it was funny and towered over my grandmas as we stood in the dining room taking photos. Then we played with my baby cousin for a bit as well as a round of scrabble. We also spent a long time measuring our boobs because we figured our boobs probably morphed the last time that we were measured. Did you know that it is almost impossible to find an accurate boob measurement online? Our boob sizes varied from 38AA to 42H which are mostly nonexistent bra sizes. We vowed to get our boobs measured the next day.

So I went to bed in a fairly hopeless yet gratified state. I awoke mid through a dream because Sunday is actually my only day that I get to sleep in and not wake up at 6am which is really nice. So I woke up around 9 and played around with my music editing tools. Fun, but I didn't really get far. My friend called me numerous times to discuss her illness to which I have no diagnosis whatsoever for, but consolation. While talking to her on the phone, I received message from my other friend that a friend from college was taken off of life support and had indeed died. He was only 25 years old and suffered from a progressive form of pancreatic, stomach cancer, or I'm not really too sure about. Upsetting news to hear of such a young life with such a bright future ahead of him be taken away so early. With this on my mind, I continued on to meet with my high school friends at the mall which oddly felt like we were in 2005 again. So now I'm sitting here thinking about the past and the future. What's right for me? As shown today, I learned that life is short and who really knows when your opportunity will be up? What will have shown for myself? So I gotta wipe my defeated and self-loathing feeling and renew the vitality that I have for life and humanity. I've always wanted to study abroad, but the fear of living out on my own in another county often prevented me from pursuing such a thing. Currently, it's not having money and student loan debt. I was too lazy to finish my peace corps application, but I'm finally getting the enthusiasm to pursue teaching jobs abroad. So here I go adding a teach abroad app with my 7 other grad school apps. Can't be sitting and waiting for experiences to come to me. I gotta find them. So Korea, I may or may not see you in a couple of months. I'm young and life is short. I have to make the most of what I'm given.

Prayers and Love.

An entry from my journal from a year ago exactly

08/30/09

I remember the way that I used to be and it kind of always blows my mind, upon reflection. I felt that i was so young, naive, and unstable. But it also wasn't even that long time ago. I didn't even have any self confidence whatsoever until this year. I finally feel comfortable with myself and do not seek to fit the ideals of convention and society because those things are not the things that rule my life and make me feel important.

I really try to attribute my sudden change to relationships and interactions with other people. If these people did not tell me of the things and way that I have acted around them, I would never have known all the imperfections that I have held. I feel that I have always been honest and open to experience, but this was with the guidelines that set by society standards which unknowingly to me at the point did not work. It really limit the way I could experience things because I was searching for a label, a certain way to perceive things.

I had unknowingly become idealistic, a romantic on how the way things should be and how people should perceive me. I became consumed by the idea that people would see me one way or think of me another way. I was too proud over the idea of my image. I created a fascade that I was mentally stable and was able to judge and rule over people I knew nothing about. Obviously, I have not reached perfection, nor will I ever or anyone will ever. The fact that I have finally become comfortable with myself as a person finally allows me to utilize my talents and skills to help others.

Essentially I wanted to get at that these interactions that I've had with people have changed my life. Without their support and strongwill they have demonstrated for me I wouldn't be where I'm at now. I used to believe that I was so independent and when I asked for help, it would make me dependent on them. It was a terrible mindset to have. I realized that in order to be independent you would have to ask for help others because no one is all knowing.

I wish other people would take the time to understand and learn the convention they have created and the hassles they caused in their life because of it. I have grown to understand that as long as their is an understanding, mutual respect, and trust then there is no need to create any other label. Happiness is key and why ruin a good relationship trying to mold/ create something that does not exist. As long as two people understand what they have with each other then why is it necessary to intrude on their happiness and try to pull it into societal conventions. It is merely a label. I know my role and how I feel and that is all should matter. As long as I know the truth, and receive respect- there will always be an understanding between any two persons.

Nannying

Today was my last day of nannying. Thank God. It was exhausting. It wasn't a bad gig and I would gladly do it again. Getting paid $10 to sit around and do nothing. I worked 3 days and got paid from $230-$300 depending on the hours so it wasn't bad. There were a few things that I got accomplished while nannying

-read the first half of 3 different books
-improved my pool playing skills
-improved my baseball playing skills
-improved my tan
-went to Grant's Farm for the first time
-went Glow Putting for the first time
-went to the Nascar Park
-learned about West County


It was an interesting experience.

Memories Time Vault

Coming back home is essentially coming back to a time capsule. You can find everything from the past. It's absolutely absurd how your tiny room can encompass your entire life. I went through my yearbook and saw my face littered through the pages. Who decided to put my face in the yearbook that many times? Well while looking for my tarot cards I found my diary that I wrote in from 6th grade to 10th grade. That's a long ass time to write in a diary. The journal isn't even that big, but while going through my angsty entries I found a many sonnets, raps, and poem that I wrote. To say the least they are absolute jemz and I believe it is my duty to share them with the world. Also to put out their that I am available to become a rapper and do appearances and what not. God I am so awful.

"My Song" by Sanita version 08/31/01

Yo! I'm Sanita and I rule this world
step in the place and they say who's that girl
on my report card only A's and B's
I'm Laos so I'm from across the seas
Don't hate because there's a mac in me
Every girl every boy says hi to me
Every trick wish they could rhyme like me
Every guy wish they could get with me
Like P. Diddy I be making my money
Playa wannebes say" whassup my honey?"
I say what the hell you just say to me
foo you must not know who Sanita be!

All in all - the song is absolutely vain and unrealistic. I had no job to "be making my money." I wasn't at all popular enough to have everyone say hi to me. Though my report card that is a true statement, but odd one to have in a rap song. Also I incorrectly used Laos, it should be that "I'm Laotian", but I was young and naive. I'll forgive my 12 year old self.

Between then and 6/28/03 I decided to re-edit "My Song" and this was the product

It's the S-A-N-I-T-A
Sanita's the name and freestylin's the game
yo my rhymes are insane
put a paper to the mic and it'll burst into flames
I'm A-Z-N repping L-A-O
Playa hatas wanna call me a hoe
don't ya'll knoe I'm jus a F.O.B.
Game so tight gotta say oo wee
Fresh off the boat oh please no
Fione Oriental Bitch, you gotta know
I'm the saweetast
with the so sweet ass
but don't think I'm fast
unless you see me in my car
because I'mma be a star
and I ain't gonna let no one pull me down
and I know Ima always be around
because anything you say or do i can do betta
it's the way I move, talk, walk, whatever
don't say you can rhyme
when you can't even speak
you think you got many dimes
when you get money from your mom every week
you think you ballin with your rented ice
bouncin in the club think you look nice
even though ur ride barely got you there
and what is dat your wearing, salvation army wear?

Once again, terrible terrible mindset for a 13 year old? to have? My God. This is probably why you should not let your children listen to rap. It rots the brain into thinking that the world is diamonds and hoes! Also note I love the salvation army or I shop there very often now. I left the misspellings to accurately show how thug I was in my vernacular. Absolutely terrible.

A Wolf in Sheep's Skin or a Pig in Sheeps Skin?

hoof hoof woof woof

i am seeing the band that i last wrote about today

it's quite chilly outside

it's 10:01pm

i didn't know there was such a thing as hipster poetry, but i can haz it

i should probably watch my finances...story of my life

i erased my facebook today

i'm a self involved cat nap

i will set your babies on fire and throw them at you

i'll tear out your eyebrows and make you cry

i'll spit on the spot where the rain failed to get you wet

i have a feeling that any energy that increase metabolism probably is bad for me

"ever since then my heart hasn't been the same"

what is that you say?

what say you.