An entry from my journal from a year ago exactly

08/30/09

I remember the way that I used to be and it kind of always blows my mind, upon reflection. I felt that i was so young, naive, and unstable. But it also wasn't even that long time ago. I didn't even have any self confidence whatsoever until this year. I finally feel comfortable with myself and do not seek to fit the ideals of convention and society because those things are not the things that rule my life and make me feel important.

I really try to attribute my sudden change to relationships and interactions with other people. If these people did not tell me of the things and way that I have acted around them, I would never have known all the imperfections that I have held. I feel that I have always been honest and open to experience, but this was with the guidelines that set by society standards which unknowingly to me at the point did not work. It really limit the way I could experience things because I was searching for a label, a certain way to perceive things.

I had unknowingly become idealistic, a romantic on how the way things should be and how people should perceive me. I became consumed by the idea that people would see me one way or think of me another way. I was too proud over the idea of my image. I created a fascade that I was mentally stable and was able to judge and rule over people I knew nothing about. Obviously, I have not reached perfection, nor will I ever or anyone will ever. The fact that I have finally become comfortable with myself as a person finally allows me to utilize my talents and skills to help others.

Essentially I wanted to get at that these interactions that I've had with people have changed my life. Without their support and strongwill they have demonstrated for me I wouldn't be where I'm at now. I used to believe that I was so independent and when I asked for help, it would make me dependent on them. It was a terrible mindset to have. I realized that in order to be independent you would have to ask for help others because no one is all knowing.

I wish other people would take the time to understand and learn the convention they have created and the hassles they caused in their life because of it. I have grown to understand that as long as their is an understanding, mutual respect, and trust then there is no need to create any other label. Happiness is key and why ruin a good relationship trying to mold/ create something that does not exist. As long as two people understand what they have with each other then why is it necessary to intrude on their happiness and try to pull it into societal conventions. It is merely a label. I know my role and how I feel and that is all should matter. As long as I know the truth, and receive respect- there will always be an understanding between any two persons.

Nannying

Today was my last day of nannying. Thank God. It was exhausting. It wasn't a bad gig and I would gladly do it again. Getting paid $10 to sit around and do nothing. I worked 3 days and got paid from $230-$300 depending on the hours so it wasn't bad. There were a few things that I got accomplished while nannying

-read the first half of 3 different books
-improved my pool playing skills
-improved my baseball playing skills
-improved my tan
-went to Grant's Farm for the first time
-went Glow Putting for the first time
-went to the Nascar Park
-learned about West County


It was an interesting experience.

Memories Time Vault

Coming back home is essentially coming back to a time capsule. You can find everything from the past. It's absolutely absurd how your tiny room can encompass your entire life. I went through my yearbook and saw my face littered through the pages. Who decided to put my face in the yearbook that many times? Well while looking for my tarot cards I found my diary that I wrote in from 6th grade to 10th grade. That's a long ass time to write in a diary. The journal isn't even that big, but while going through my angsty entries I found a many sonnets, raps, and poem that I wrote. To say the least they are absolute jemz and I believe it is my duty to share them with the world. Also to put out their that I am available to become a rapper and do appearances and what not. God I am so awful.

"My Song" by Sanita version 08/31/01

Yo! I'm Sanita and I rule this world
step in the place and they say who's that girl
on my report card only A's and B's
I'm Laos so I'm from across the seas
Don't hate because there's a mac in me
Every girl every boy says hi to me
Every trick wish they could rhyme like me
Every guy wish they could get with me
Like P. Diddy I be making my money
Playa wannebes say" whassup my honey?"
I say what the hell you just say to me
foo you must not know who Sanita be!

All in all - the song is absolutely vain and unrealistic. I had no job to "be making my money." I wasn't at all popular enough to have everyone say hi to me. Though my report card that is a true statement, but odd one to have in a rap song. Also I incorrectly used Laos, it should be that "I'm Laotian", but I was young and naive. I'll forgive my 12 year old self.

Between then and 6/28/03 I decided to re-edit "My Song" and this was the product

It's the S-A-N-I-T-A
Sanita's the name and freestylin's the game
yo my rhymes are insane
put a paper to the mic and it'll burst into flames
I'm A-Z-N repping L-A-O
Playa hatas wanna call me a hoe
don't ya'll knoe I'm jus a F.O.B.
Game so tight gotta say oo wee
Fresh off the boat oh please no
Fione Oriental Bitch, you gotta know
I'm the saweetast
with the so sweet ass
but don't think I'm fast
unless you see me in my car
because I'mma be a star
and I ain't gonna let no one pull me down
and I know Ima always be around
because anything you say or do i can do betta
it's the way I move, talk, walk, whatever
don't say you can rhyme
when you can't even speak
you think you got many dimes
when you get money from your mom every week
you think you ballin with your rented ice
bouncin in the club think you look nice
even though ur ride barely got you there
and what is dat your wearing, salvation army wear?

Once again, terrible terrible mindset for a 13 year old? to have? My God. This is probably why you should not let your children listen to rap. It rots the brain into thinking that the world is diamonds and hoes! Also note I love the salvation army or I shop there very often now. I left the misspellings to accurately show how thug I was in my vernacular. Absolutely terrible.

A Wolf in Sheep's Skin or a Pig in Sheeps Skin?

hoof hoof woof woof

i am seeing the band that i last wrote about today

it's quite chilly outside

it's 10:01pm

i didn't know there was such a thing as hipster poetry, but i can haz it

i should probably watch my finances...story of my life

i erased my facebook today

i'm a self involved cat nap

i will set your babies on fire and throw them at you

i'll tear out your eyebrows and make you cry

i'll spit on the spot where the rain failed to get you wet

i have a feeling that any energy that increase metabolism probably is bad for me

"ever since then my heart hasn't been the same"

what is that you say?

what say you.

Review of Yeasayer - Odd Blood

I have been listening to "Ambling Alp" probably for the past 2 weeks on repeat. But I haven't had the time to actually pick up the album. So I finally got the album and I simply had no idea what to expect. Yeasayer's All Hours Cymbal was an major part of my life as a sophomore (2007-2008) in college. It represented all the things that I loved at the time which was mostly music and partying. It beautiful and crazy which represented the chaos that was my life at the time. It was pure fun and yet at the same time a certain sadness which can be heard through out the lyrics of that album. So with that in mind, I didn't know what current Yeasayer would mean to me in this present time of my life. Would it still be the craziness that I knew it as 2 years ago? Would I be utterly disappointed that the music lacked the nostalgia it held for me so long ago or would I be disappointed in the lack of development the musicians have?

So I put on Odd Blood before I got ready for whatever I had to do that morning. The album started with "Ambling Alp" which I thought could not get any better than that song. As I continued to listen to the album, I noticed that their music was a lot more "chill" or "calmer." The tribal driven beats were not as prominent although the bass drum seems to be more thought out in placement than usual. The electronic synths were the focus of their songs as well as the lyrics. Before, lyrics seems to be part of the music sound and usually incomprehensible. The lyrics of this album are more reflective and discuss the issues of growing older and apart. So like Yeasayer, I seem to have grown up with them. The sounds of their music seem now to morph into something like Hot Chip and Peter, Bjorn and John which is great because I love both of
those bands.

Everything seems to sound like a cirque du soleil soundtrack on this album.

Madder Red - Chinese Acrobat Theme Song
O.N.E - Knifeish


So I mean to say that my love for Yeasayer is a personal matter and that what you take from it may be completely different from mine. If you were searching to hear music that Yeasayer "used" to make than this album may not for you. There is no doubt that they are great musicians and you should enjoy their music for what you can and not necessarily what they mean to others, but yourself.