Retail and SADness

Upon reflection, this may be my most miserable Christmas season I've ever experienced. I have basically diagnosed myself with seasonal affective disorder, and it has become much more apparent through working in retail. This has been my first experience ever working in retail and first season is the busy, holiday season. I have worked a many terrible jobs including the disgusting pizza handling, degrading singing to scoop ice cream, working with the sickly, germy, high risk children, etc. I know about sucky jobs, but this has to be the worst. It is the worst in combination of the season. I literally have not had a day off since before Thanksgiving. My first day off will be Christmas day.

1. Constantly disoriented. You have no idea what time it is or even what day it is. There are no windows in mall stores and its very unlikely that you'd get anytime to look or even be able see the sun. You are running around in closed, dusty places under florescent lights and most likely in an uncomfortable "stylish" outfit.

2. Loneliness. It becomes much more apparent during this season for many reasons. You are required to smile and have superficial conversations with your customers. You are trying to convince people to buy relatively useless stuff for their loved ones, families, friends, significant others. But people are buying tons and tons of stuff, dropping hundred of dollars. There you are working at minimum wage and unable to even afford the stuff in the store that you work at. When you finally get to spend time with your family and friends, the season requires that you miss the most intimate of holiday moments, but working late hours or cutting your time short by making you work early.There is nothing genuine about who you are in this environment. Even if you aren't interacting with customers you are folding and cleaning for hours on end which is relatively useless because customers will ruin it the second you finish. When you finally get off work at your obscenely late hours, there's no one to talk to because most people are sleeping.

Maybe I need to learn how to deal with this, but I feel that I am a person driven by sincerity and human interactions that its hard to pretend to be something that I'm not.

Best of 2010

Records of 2010

1. Local Natives - Gorilla Manor

The boy band of my dreams. Gorgeous, beautiful harmonies, catchy percussion. I saw this band 3 times in 3 different cities in 2009-2010. SO slightly obsessed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn8xjONVOUg

2. Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Before Today

This album took over my life since it came out. It's a mainstream version of the usual lo-fi Ariel Pink. I can stand the muffled sounds of lo-fi for so much. Such an amazing record.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMNPWT6WDJQ

3. LCD Soundsystem - This Is Happening

When I heard this album was streaming on their website. I literally did not stop listening to it straight through for a week. I was actually angry that I had to participate in normal daily activities that would not allow me to listen to the stream. The album could be number 1 based solely on the track Dance Yrslf Clean.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoA0cTC228M

4. The Roots - How I Got Over

Uplifting and honest. These guys define hip hop and set the bar for any lyricist and musician. Refreshing to hear an album that discusses real issues opposed to money, drugs and hoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32Qr5oKKP-M

5. Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

I don't know how they were able to accurately portray my middle American suburban life so well. An album that plays on themes of modern architecture, and simple life. I could only hope that such a great band could orchestrate such sad situation into magnificent music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYdJAi-BBrs

6. Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz

The best transition that Sufie could take. A combination of his older works and most recent work. He utilizes both electronic and traditional sounds. Beautiful lyrics on loneliness and hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=So03KFCbc1E

7. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Most anticipated album of 2010. Absolutely great marketing accompanied with great music. Refreshing and his best work since The College Dropout. One cannot deny that this man is one of the greatest producers of our generation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D55rDDvu3n4

8. Big Boi - Sir Lucious Lovefoot The Son of Chico Dusty

He's still got it and may be one of my ultimate favorite rappers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWsvkW6rKkQ

9. Crystal Castles - S/T

Great synths, samples and shows that they can make music beyond their crazy club jamz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjMt0bMVljI

10. Best Coast - Crazy For You

Simple, catchy music. The album takes 15 minutes to get through! Cute and fun, exactly how a girl would want to tell her boyfriend that she misses him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AaAvVcPWhc&feature=related

11. Yeasayer - Odd Blood

12. Crystal Fighters - Star of Love

13. The Thermals - Personal Life

14. M.I.A. - Maya

15. Waaves - King of the Beach

16. Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

17. Teenage Fanclub - Shadows

18. Robyn - Body Talk pt. 1

19. Maps & Atlases - Perch Patchwork

20. The Black Keys - Brothers

21. Two Door Cinema Club - Tourist History

Singles (not ranked)

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrslf Clean

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair

Drake - Find Your Love

Best Coast - Boyfriend

Usher - OMG

Panda Bear - Slow Motion

Cee-lo Green - Fuck You

Kanye West - Devil in a New Dress

Ariel Pink - Round & Round

Maps & Atlases - Living Decorations

Robyn - Dancing on My Own

Big Boi - Shine Blockas

The Black Keeys - Ever Lasting Light

Ke$ha - We R Who We R

Rihanna - What's My Name

Taio Cruz - Dynamite

La Roux - Bulletproof

Boy & Bear - Mexican Mavis

Kisses - Bermuda

On Feminity and Feminism

I would say that I am not a Feminist. Of course, many feminist would argue that impossibility and that I was essentially born in to it. So let's keep it simple and nontechnical.

This is more of a manner regarding my traditional Grandma and Great Aunt being in town for the past 3 months. They are from Laos, old, and have been and still live life quite traditionally. As a woman, I'm expected to cook meals, wash dishes, clean the house, not go out, not laugh loudly, etc. General stuff really. When they first arrived, I didn't want to be disrespectful so I obliged to these traditional roles. I would come home fix them lunch, wash all the dishes and sit around with them. It was fine and awesome, I got to hang out with them. Now, I'm absolutely frustrated being trapped in this idealistic female role that I have never identified with. I feel like I'll do things because I want to, not because I should and because I'm a woman. Most recently my mother has grounded me to the house because it reflect poorly on my character. Leaving at night is not something a lady should do and it worried my grandma. Of course, my brothers do not have any of these limitations. Have no obligations or duties to fulfill or have any curfew to pertain too. I'm obviously already a too fat spinster out of control American so there is no hope for me. I don't know. I've just been extremely frustrated and tired trying to be respectful, but keeping to who I am.

Thoughts/1

(Soundtrack: Grizzly Bear -Yellow House)

A weekend of solemnity and reconsideration.

It's hard to define happiness. In my pursuit and current aspects of it, I am technically happy. I see my family everyday including my Grandma, I have a bed to sleep in a heated home, well fed, great friends to interact with, and a part time job that I absolutely love. So these things should make me happy because I'm grateful for everyday that I have on this earth with these people. So upon taking the Graduate Record Examination and my terrible score on it, there were things that I had to reconsider. Were the tears I shed truly necessary? Was the platitude of "things happen for a reason?" a legitimate excuse for why I performed so poorly? I cried and I cried believe that I would never get into any graduate school. Learning that the flaws in the system that I was trying to correct actually made it so that people like me who it failed could ever get through. A vicious and corrupt cycle. Of course, when I arrived home. I was complete defeated and miserable. When asked to wash the dishes, I refused and said that my brother should do it. He had been at the home all day. My aunt quickly responded that I should have done it because I was a girl. This further infuriated me and I stomped up to my room to disappoint my traditional grandma. Yes, I am that no mannered American girl that will never get married because I show no grace or poise that a traditional Laotian girl should have. Alas, I got over it fairly quickly and went to go spend time with my family and friends, who came over. Embarrassingly, my mother had the audacity to ask me if my grandma could take photos with my "farang" (foreign) friends. I thought it was hilarious and asked my friends for this favor. They also thought it was funny and towered over my grandmas as we stood in the dining room taking photos. Then we played with my baby cousin for a bit as well as a round of scrabble. We also spent a long time measuring our boobs because we figured our boobs probably morphed the last time that we were measured. Did you know that it is almost impossible to find an accurate boob measurement online? Our boob sizes varied from 38AA to 42H which are mostly nonexistent bra sizes. We vowed to get our boobs measured the next day.

So I went to bed in a fairly hopeless yet gratified state. I awoke mid through a dream because Sunday is actually my only day that I get to sleep in and not wake up at 6am which is really nice. So I woke up around 9 and played around with my music editing tools. Fun, but I didn't really get far. My friend called me numerous times to discuss her illness to which I have no diagnosis whatsoever for, but consolation. While talking to her on the phone, I received message from my other friend that a friend from college was taken off of life support and had indeed died. He was only 25 years old and suffered from a progressive form of pancreatic, stomach cancer, or I'm not really too sure about. Upsetting news to hear of such a young life with such a bright future ahead of him be taken away so early. With this on my mind, I continued on to meet with my high school friends at the mall which oddly felt like we were in 2005 again. So now I'm sitting here thinking about the past and the future. What's right for me? As shown today, I learned that life is short and who really knows when your opportunity will be up? What will have shown for myself? So I gotta wipe my defeated and self-loathing feeling and renew the vitality that I have for life and humanity. I've always wanted to study abroad, but the fear of living out on my own in another county often prevented me from pursuing such a thing. Currently, it's not having money and student loan debt. I was too lazy to finish my peace corps application, but I'm finally getting the enthusiasm to pursue teaching jobs abroad. So here I go adding a teach abroad app with my 7 other grad school apps. Can't be sitting and waiting for experiences to come to me. I gotta find them. So Korea, I may or may not see you in a couple of months. I'm young and life is short. I have to make the most of what I'm given.

Prayers and Love.

An entry from my journal from a year ago exactly

08/30/09

I remember the way that I used to be and it kind of always blows my mind, upon reflection. I felt that i was so young, naive, and unstable. But it also wasn't even that long time ago. I didn't even have any self confidence whatsoever until this year. I finally feel comfortable with myself and do not seek to fit the ideals of convention and society because those things are not the things that rule my life and make me feel important.

I really try to attribute my sudden change to relationships and interactions with other people. If these people did not tell me of the things and way that I have acted around them, I would never have known all the imperfections that I have held. I feel that I have always been honest and open to experience, but this was with the guidelines that set by society standards which unknowingly to me at the point did not work. It really limit the way I could experience things because I was searching for a label, a certain way to perceive things.

I had unknowingly become idealistic, a romantic on how the way things should be and how people should perceive me. I became consumed by the idea that people would see me one way or think of me another way. I was too proud over the idea of my image. I created a fascade that I was mentally stable and was able to judge and rule over people I knew nothing about. Obviously, I have not reached perfection, nor will I ever or anyone will ever. The fact that I have finally become comfortable with myself as a person finally allows me to utilize my talents and skills to help others.

Essentially I wanted to get at that these interactions that I've had with people have changed my life. Without their support and strongwill they have demonstrated for me I wouldn't be where I'm at now. I used to believe that I was so independent and when I asked for help, it would make me dependent on them. It was a terrible mindset to have. I realized that in order to be independent you would have to ask for help others because no one is all knowing.

I wish other people would take the time to understand and learn the convention they have created and the hassles they caused in their life because of it. I have grown to understand that as long as their is an understanding, mutual respect, and trust then there is no need to create any other label. Happiness is key and why ruin a good relationship trying to mold/ create something that does not exist. As long as two people understand what they have with each other then why is it necessary to intrude on their happiness and try to pull it into societal conventions. It is merely a label. I know my role and how I feel and that is all should matter. As long as I know the truth, and receive respect- there will always be an understanding between any two persons.